We are currently living in very uncertain times. I’ve watched my spring brides, who have planned and dreamed of their wedding days, have to put them off. I’ve watched my church close it’s doors and go to online worship. I’ve been personally impacted financially as a small business who has been forced to close, and it’s been two months since I’ve hugged my grandparents. The world seems to be shrouded in fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and so many people are discouraged.
As I was facing months without a wedding due to Covid19, I took the unanticipated time I had to go through and try to organize some of my family photos. When you are a full-time photographer, your personal photos often take a back seat…and as I was combing through them, I came across a folder entitled “PFAPA”. As I went through these photos, I was immediately reminded of a time in my life when I faced fear, uncertainty, and anxiety…but now that I am looking back on the other end of that storm, I can clearly see how God used that time for good. I don’t believe God causes bad things to happen…we live in a fallen world, and when bad things happen, we can hold on to the promise that God will walk through that time WITH us….and that He will use that difficult time for his good. Right now, in the present moment, it can be hard to see how God can use a virus for His good….but I believe that one day, looking back, we will be able to find the good— despite the pain we are currently experiencing. After coming across these photos, I felt compelled to share the story of how God used a very dark time in my life for His good…because without that dark time, I wouldn’t be a wedding photographer right now.
When my oldest daughter Natalie, was only 9 months old, she had a complex febrile seizure in my arms after a bath. There is nothing that can prepare a first time-parent for that situation—it was a moment that was seared into my memory…and one I will never forget.
At the time this happened, I was teaching at Norcross High School. I had a life plan—and that included continuing to teach until I was ready to retire. I had no idea that initial seizure and fever was the first step toward a very challenging six years, and a drastic change in the direction I anticipated my life to go.
PFAPA is a periodic fever syndrome that first came to be known in the medical field around 1990. The primary symptoms are recurring fever episodes, mouth sores/ulcers, joint pain and stomach pain. With Natalie, we navigated through months of extremely high fevers occurring every six weeks (one time she hit 106.1), febrile seizures, EEG’s, CAT scans, bloodwork, heart scans, CBC scores upwards of 35,000…it was terrifying. We could predict the day of her next fever, and the episodes would last 3-5 days. We spent a few weekends in the hospital because of her age and her through-the-roof-white blood cell counts. We saw specialists and finally got the diagnosis of PFAPA about a year after her first PFAPA fever when she was 18 months old.
When our second daughter, Emmalyn, came along, at the same exact age of 9 months, she had a high fever with a febrile seizure. We knew immediately what we were dealing with…but to be sure, Emmalyn also underwent the same medical tests that Natalie did. When the girls would have a PFAPA fever, it was absolutely terrifying. Their fevers would spike so quickly it often induced a seizure. We had to call 911 twice because the seizure lasted so long. Time seemed to stand still as we prayed and waited for the girls to breathe. Tylenol was like taking candy—it hardly impacted the fever. Motrin was the most effective, but in order to keep the fever under as much control as possible, we were directed by our pediatrician to alternate Tylenol and Motrin every three hours…which meant setting alarms through the night sometimes 4-5 nights in a row, 24 hours a day to keep the fever from spiking. When the fever did start to climb, it meant stripping the girls down, and covering them with cool, wet cloths and encouraging them to drink as much as possible. It meant almost daily trips to the pediatrician during a flare to keep tabs on their white blood cell counts…it meant trips to the ER when their fevers were 106 and two hours after Motrin still wouldn’t come down, and several instances of 2-3 nights in the hospital. We couldn’t leave the house without a seizure kit and steroid doses. Heath and I at one point went five years without a single night away because we were afraid one of the girls would have a PFAPA fever while we were gone. One day, on the way to a Norcross Gala, we got a phone call that Emmy spiked a fever. We had to turn around and go home. We scheduled family photos another time…and Emmy was completely fine when we left the house, but by the time we arrived at the park, she was suddenly weak and lethargic and when I touched her forehead she was burning up. It was a very dark, and scary time in our lives. It was exhausting…sleep wasn’t something we got much of as we bounced back and forth between their fever schedules. It was purely living in survival mode for six years straight, and while it was one of the darkest times of my life, if I hadn’t gone through it, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
When the girls were born, my family purchased my very first DSLR camera for me to take photos of them. I always loved taking photos…and as something to look forward to and a stress reliever as we were dealing with the PFAPA years, I enrolled in a photography class at UGA…it was supposed to be just one class….so I could take good photos of my girls. I had no idea when I walked into the classroom that night that I was essentially at a crossroads—and that God would nudge me down a very different path than I had been traveling.
When that first photography class was coming to an end, I decided to sign up for just one more…a portrait class. That would be it, I decided…but while enrolled in that class, my instructor saw something in me…and I had the first thought of “could I really do this professionally one day?” But then doubt crept back in. Other people were professional photographers….someone like me could never do that…I was already a teacher. I was in my thirties. It was too late for a career change and to start over…or so I thought.
As I went through that class, the thought of a possible career change kept surfacing. While I hated the thought of loosing my students, I relished the idea of a more flexible schedule as we continued to navigate through the PFAPA fevers. When the portrait class was coming to a close, I learned the photography certification program at UGA was not going to be offered again. In order for me to be able to graduate, I had to take a full course load…including four online photography classes in one summer to catch up to the rest of the graduating class. After praying about it and a lot of discussions with Heath, I decided to go for it. I graduated from that photography program, had my exhibit, and about that time had to make a decision about my teaching contract for the next year. I was torn. As I began to pray over it, one afternoon I received a weekly email from our pastor at the time that gave me the encouragement I needed to take a leap of faith. In the email, he said people want to take very measured steps….they want to see where they are stepping, but it’s when you take a leap of faith and step where you cannot see that you allow God room to really work in your life.
I felt that was God speaking to me to take a leap of faith….and despite it not making any sense financially for our family, I took a huge leap of faith that this was the direction God was calling me…I did not renew my teaching contract, and later that year I applied for a business license.
We scraped by the first year as I launched my photography business…by year two, it replaced my teaching salary. By year three, I was booking 12+ months out for weddings. This past year, in 2019, I was blessed to have my August wedding published in Southern Bride Magazine and I’ve now had to limit the number of weddings I photograph each year to ensure I can give my brides the attention and experience they deserve. It’s been amazing…it’s been a blessing beyond what I ever imagined…and had it not been for that dark time in my life, I would never be here. I would never have met the most amazing couples who fill the gap in my heart when I think about how much I miss my students. I would never have been able to have the opportunity to be a part of the lives of so many of my students by having the privilege of photographing so many special moments in their lives. And, most importantly, I would not have been able to be there for my girls as we traversed the years of PFAPA as much as I have by making this career change. It was all God…it was HIS plan and He used the darkest time in my life for good.
As far as the girls, we exhausted every possible treatment aside from surgery. Finally, when Natalie had just turned six and Emmalyn was two, we elected to have the procedure to remove their tonsils and adenoids, which showed a 90% cure rate for PFAPA patients. That’s another God story in how we found our surgeon…but after fevers every two weeks for Emmalyn, and every six for Natalie, their fevers spaced out…and now, while they still has a few flares a year, they have been much less severe and have only lasted 24 hours. Eventually, we are told they will grow out of them completely….and while I still feel dread when I hear them complain of their leg hurting (usually the first tell-tale sign that a flare will rear its ugly head the next day) I am so thankful for God’s guidance through those difficult years, and for the plan that He had for my life that I never would have imagined or pursued on my own. And right now, as our world faces a difficult time in dealing with Covid 19, I can look back at the storm my family went through, and I can see how God used it for good….and know He WILL do it again…we may not be able to see it now, but I believe when we reach the other side of this, we will.
